Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Remember when that pregnant man went on Oprah? And then he got pregnant again? Except, he's sexually a woman, so it wasn't really that shocking? But it was too late, and a shark retaliated by making a baby out of her own DNA, no man required? Well the battle for which species mastered life is over. The victor? A 5 mm-long jellyfish.
This jellyfish species literally rejuvenates from sex? Life is so cruel!
Friends know that I have long been an out-and-proud immortality-seeker. Where everyone else takes the pansy route of "I wouldn't want to see everyone I love die," I console myself with thoughts of exploring the entire universe along with my robot lover Paolo. He's Brazilian; it's complicated.
Now we have a species that, essentially, is immortal! Scientists are still uncertain of the facts (i.e. how many times they can rejuvenate), but the path ahead is pretty clear to me. First, we must prepare to defend ourselves against these jellyfish overlords--for they just rose to the top of the food chain as unkillable enemies, like the ghosts in Pirates of the Caribbean or cylons before Galactica blew up the hub. Our preparations should involve as much environmental damage as we can muster. Oh good, we're ahead of the curve.
Second, we must isolate the genes that allow for cell transdifferentiation, the mechanism by which these jellyscum rejuvenate. I volunteer to be a test recipient of these genes. What's the worst that could happen? I could grow tentacles covered in cnidoblasts, voluntarily fluoresce, and look really sweet when I swim? Uh, yes please.
The goal is clear: we must find a way for man to achieve immortality. Dr. Frankenstein was close, but he failed because he had emotional attachments to, like, everyone in Germany. At least, that's what I got out of it.
Not everyone will have to be immortal, of course, and I imagine this will prompt as many religious suicide pacts as willing immortals, thus balancing the effects. But it must be an option for those of us seeking that fountain of youth. Let me put it in terms we can all get behind: figure out how to make humans immortal (tentacles or no), and slap a hefty price tag on the operation. We'll be out of this recession in no time.
After the first wave of the revolution takes place, society will have to ask itself if we want a fallible man-terrorist like Barack Obama as our president, or do we want an invincible jellygod like me? That's what I thought.
When I'm president of the known universe, my first order will be to appoint Sarah Palin my jester. I'm pretty sure Tina Fey and I will become bffs, and we'll probably take off in our spaceship to tour the solar system, leaving the running of Earth to mortals like you. I will be a benevolent but assertive god, a cross between Dr. Manhattan and Ozymandias, so no worries: Watchmen ends happily.
So, you see, we have to take immortality from these jellyfish. It's our manifest destiny. We've spread across as much space as we have on this planet, and soon we'll spread further. It's time to spread through time.
I feel like Prometheus trying to steal fire from the gods. How'd that story end?
I'm neither religious nor superstitious, and Greek boogieman tales are not remotely threatening. I ain't afraid of no ghosts. On the other hand, I loves me some science. So get on that for me, scientists. The revolution awaits.
For our closing prayer, please join me in a song on your way out:
"Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while,
Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies,
Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst,
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?
"Let us die young or let us live forever,
We don't have the power but we never say never,
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip,
Music's for the sad man.
"Can you imagine when this race is run,
Turning up our faces into the sun,
Praising our leaders getting in tune
Music's played by the mad man.
"Forever young, I want to be forever young...."